I have come to realize that my job of parenting is not over even with all adult children. I know you will agree with me that even as they leave for college, move out, move back, or head off to the military; they are just out there testing the waters, and we are back at home trying to make sense of a ‘new’ normal after all the years of raising and training up children.I love and appreciate the empty nest at the same time too. Roy and I have a blast! We even eat dinner off of the good china on the new sofa sometimes! Our college kids migrate home during the holidays, one does during summer, one has their own place now, and one lives at home. All adults… all have our own schedules… all wholly sold out to God. Roy and I have had to change the way we parent them now because all of them are at a different stage of life.
Change has never been my husband’s strong point. (understatement) And I have a few kids who are much like their father. I am an adventurer at heart. This time in their lives can be very vulnerable and filled with challenges that they have yet to face. Roy and I choose to be focused in on each child separately in order for a smoother transition for them. We also have learned to keep our mouths shut at times. (not easy for me… a breeze for the hubby) We do not want to alienate them or cause division or frustration for everyone. We never want them to feel alone, with no one out there who has their back.
I have seen some new adults have so many challenges. They feel like when they moved out, their parents dusted off their hands where they are concerned. Some of them have tried so many times to make their parents happy… but it just hasn’t worked. The parents turned off their ears and sometimes even their hearts. These parents I would love to have a discussion with one-on-one… and teach them some Italian parental logic. (haha) These kids feel alone and just don’t know how to get back into the parents lives on the level of an adult… usually because the parents don’t know to do the same or only want to either control the child’s life, or do not want a deeper relationship without the complete control. Let’s hope that cycle breaks when the new adults marry and have a family.
Let’s go over several areas and see how we are doing, then if you are brave, have your adult children read it and give you a grade. (ouch..)
Respect
It is disrespectful to talk to your adult kids as if they are still 10 years old. Try to remember that. When you do need to chat with them on a serious topic, do so the way you would want to be approached by a close friend. No need to walk on egg shells here and no mincing words is needed. At the same time, expect the same from them.
It is disrespectful to talk to your adult kids as if they are still 10 years old. Try to remember that. When you do need to chat with them on a serious topic, do so the way you would want to be approached by a close friend. No need to walk on egg shells here and no mincing words is needed. At the same time, expect the same from them.
Don’t Assume Things
They have done a lot of growing and living and have different opinions, feelings, likes and dislikes now. Do not assume that you know every little detail about them. Ask them questions, but don’t do the 20-question grill. At the same time, they need to not try to put us into a box either. We have grown as well.
They have done a lot of growing and living and have different opinions, feelings, likes and dislikes now. Do not assume that you know every little detail about them. Ask them questions, but don’t do the 20-question grill. At the same time, they need to not try to put us into a box either. We have grown as well.
Mistakes Will Happen
Abolish “I told you so” from your vocabulary. They are going to make mistakes just like we did when we were trying to grow up. It is a process. Let them come to you, with a humble spirit when they mess up (and they will) and respond with the way you wished your parents would have with you. At the same time, they need to keep things in perspective and not act with entitlement.
Abolish “I told you so” from your vocabulary. They are going to make mistakes just like we did when we were trying to grow up. It is a process. Let them come to you, with a humble spirit when they mess up (and they will) and respond with the way you wished your parents would have with you. At the same time, they need to keep things in perspective and not act with entitlement.
It is Their Dream… not yours
Put your super human ears on and listen. Listen for the hints they are dropping. They are not sure if they can trust you with their dreams yet. Be there and available when they are ready to talk. Note I said ‘they’ are ready to talk. Give your ideas if you are asked. Other than that, pray for guidance for them. They hear from God just like you do.
Put your super human ears on and listen. Listen for the hints they are dropping. They are not sure if they can trust you with their dreams yet. Be there and available when they are ready to talk. Note I said ‘they’ are ready to talk. Give your ideas if you are asked. Other than that, pray for guidance for them. They hear from God just like you do.
What’s Your Life Mirroring
Let’s be a little reflective and check out what kind of an example we are emitting to our adult kids. Are we showing them a balanced and healthy example?
Let’s be a little reflective and check out what kind of an example we are emitting to our adult kids. Are we showing them a balanced and healthy example?
These things might seem to be a little rough at first to ponder, but no time like the present to cinch up our attitudes and actions. Just hold this close to your heart… You are very uber important to your adult children. Please never forget that or underestimate that premise. Be flexible; they still need you, but just in a new and different way.
Step back and enjoy your “new” normal!
Signed.... A Muse of the Remnant
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