College & Beyond - A "New Normal" in Parenting :o)

I have come to realize that my job of parenting is not over even with all adult children. I know you will agree with me that even as they leave for college, move out, move back, or head off to the military; they are just out there testing the waters, and we are back at home trying to make sense of a ‘new’ normal after all the years of raising and training up children.

I love and appreciate the empty nest at the same time too. Roy and I have a blast! We even eat dinner off of the good china on the new sofa sometimes! Our college kids migrate home during the holidays, one does during summer, one has their own place now, and one lives at home. All adults… all have our own schedules… all wholly sold out to God.  Roy and I have had to change the way we parent them now because all of them are at a different stage of life.  

Change has never been my husband’s strong point. (understatement) And I have a few kids who are much like their father.  I am an adventurer at heart.  This time in their lives can be very vulnerable and filled with challenges that they have yet to face.  Roy and I choose to be focused in on each child separately in order for a smoother transition for them. We also have learned to keep our mouths shut at times. (not easy for me… a breeze for the hubby) We do not want to alienate them or cause division or frustration for everyone.  We never want them to feel alone, with no one out there who has their back. 

I have seen some new adults have so many challenges. They feel like when they moved out, their parents dusted off their hands where they are concerned.  Some of them have tried so many times to make their parents happy… but it just hasn’t worked. The parents turned off their ears and sometimes even their hearts. These parents I would love to have a discussion with one-on-one… and teach them some Italian parental logic. (haha)  These kids feel alone and just don’t know how to get back into the parents lives on the level of an adult… usually because the parents don’t know to do the same or only want to either control the child’s life, or do not want a deeper relationship without the complete control. Let’s hope that cycle breaks when the new adults marry and have a family. 

Let’s go over several areas and see how we are doing, then if you are brave, have your adult children read it and give you a grade.  (ouch..)

Respect
It is disrespectful to talk to your adult kids as if they are still 10 years old. Try to remember that. When you do need to chat with them on a serious topic, do so the way you would want to be approached by a close friend.  No need to walk on egg shells here and no mincing words is needed. At the same time, expect the same from them. 

Don’t Assume Things
They have done a lot of growing and living and have different opinions, feelings, likes and dislikes now. Do not assume that you know every little detail about them. Ask them questions, but don’t do the 20-question grill. At the same time, they need to not try to put us into a box either. We have grown as well.

Mistakes Will Happen
Abolish “I told you so” from your vocabulary. They are going to make mistakes just like we did when we were trying to grow up. It is a process. Let them come to you, with a humble spirit when they mess up (and they will) and respond with the way you wished your parents would have with you.  At the same time, they need to keep things in perspective and not act with entitlement.

It is Their Dream… not yours
Put your super human ears on and listen. Listen for the hints they are dropping. They are not sure if they can trust you with their dreams yet.  Be there and available when they are ready to talk. Note I said ‘they’ are ready to talk. Give your ideas if you are asked. Other than that, pray for guidance for them. They hear from God just like you do.

What’s Your Life Mirroring
Let’s be a little reflective and check out what kind of an example we are emitting to our adult kids. Are we showing them a balanced and healthy example?

These things might seem to be a little rough at first to ponder, but no time like the present to cinch up our attitudes and actions. Just hold this close to your heart… You are very uber important to your adult children. Please never forget that or underestimate that premise. Be flexible; they still need you, but just in a new and different way. 

Step back and enjoy your “new” normal!

Signed.... A Muse of the Remnant

It's that time of year again....

A week ago, I had all 3 kids home for 6 days together! What a wonderful time it was. All the fun, annoying of each other... teaming up against parents... late night IHOP runs (just the kids). I am so blessed that my kids are still best friends at 24, 22, and 21. Not many families can say that. They love to be together, know what buttons to push for a desired effect (haha) and know how to lift each other in prayer, and are willing to do so at the drop of a hat.

Caleb is back at OSU, progressing in his double major of mechanical and aerospace engineering. It is a 6 year program if you take 17-18 credit hours every semester... who can do that??? He is in year 5.  I do not even recognize the titles of his classes... I did not know that there was a Calculus 5... or what really is the difference between Strength of Materials vs Strength and Dynamics? Aren't you glad I am not an engineer?? You can rest with the knowledge that I have not designed bridges or buildings. haha. Tomorrow his dad is going to Stillwater to help him move into his first solo apartment. He is so excited! I think he has had his fill of roommates. He will either love the quiet.. or hate it. Time will tell. I am so proud of him!

We took Aimee back down to Baylor this weekend for her senior year. She is majoring in International Studies and minor in business. Yes, she will be the one traveling the globe around the Pacific Rim. Oh the plans God has for her life... amazing... just amazing.  Her new apartment is g.o.r.g.e.o.u.s!  She has 4 roommates. They all have their own bedroom and bathroom, and common areas of living, dining, kitchen and laundry areas. It is a huge apartment with granite counters, uptown appliances and wonderful colors! I was impressed. She once again has her Hello Kitty bathroom all set up. Her pictures are hung on the walls this year, and she even has room in the kitchen and fridge once we reorganized. She is going to have a blast this year... many 'last' firsts.  Sic 'em my little Baylor Bear! I am so proud of her!

Rachel is living at home. She is now 24 and is working full time at the Apple Tree, works with her church up in B'ville, has become a big sister for a freshman girl at ORU who recently lost her mother to cancer, and takes classes online, does create a memory and helps with a youth group in her spare time. She is our little blurrrrrr....  She is always on the go! She went to Ecuador for 3 weeks this summer for ministry. She is our missionary. We never know where in South America she is going next. It truly is her calling, and she is obedient to the calling. God has such wonderful plans for her this year... I can feel it in my 'knower'.. ya know what I mean? She is such a blessing to me. I am so proud of her!

So.. Rachel is rarely home.. Caleb and Aimee are back at college.. I used to hate this time of year - But God has shown me that this season of my life is wonderful too, just in a different way.  There's this great handsome best friend that I married almost 25 years ago... it is so fun to just pick up and do things on a whim with him... like when we were first married... Looking forward to another wonderful 25+ years with him too!
I am so blessed. I think God likes me best.

A Muse of the Remnant