Count It All Joy When Friends Don’t Understand – and Fade Away … No Really, Rejoice!

 

My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4  (New Revised Standard Version)

 

When we are ill (I like to term it ‘experiencing a healing’), it seems like some friends don’t understand all the “stuff” that we deal with daily. But does that mean you let these friends fade away whenever they don’t quite understand? No. Maybe you need to let them know what exactly is going on with you.

If you live with an invisible illness, you may find the emotions of coping with people’s doubts about your disease may be harder to manage than the disease itself. In order to live our best life, we need to educate ourselves about the disease as well and make well-researched decisions about treatment. How can we expect friends and loved ones understand if we do not?

My challenge happens to be Bilateral Vocal Cord Paralysis. Yes, quite the mouthful. Both of my Recurrent Laryngeal Nerves were severed during an operation in 2006. It left me unable to swallow food or drink without aspirating it into my lungs. I was also unable to speak for one solid year. Can you imagine an Italian not being able to talk???!!!  God has brought me through so much, and to Him I am ever thankful! He taught me how to control the muscles in my throat to be able to swallow again (not that I do that correctly all of the time, sigh), and after many sessions with my speech therapist, I was finally able to speak again with a new voice!  I am still waiting on the singing voice to come back too. You see, God does not heal halfway.

Those with illness, however, have no ability to make others accept the illness or even acknowledge it.  They cannot read our minds. And they may not know what to ask. When our loved ones are skeptical about the existence or the seriousness of our disease, it can be annoying. It can cause problems in our relationships–sometimes indefinitely if we do not let them know.

When friends and family don’t understand what we deal with each day, Whatchagonnado?
Here are four steps:

1. Go with it.
Though the seriousness of your illness is significant under your roof, it isn’t that important to others. And there’s no magical conversation you can have with the person that will make him change his mind. Let them observe you.

With me it is the breathing issue. With my vocal folds paralyzed, it has already narrowed down my ability to take in air. When I do any exertion at all, the folds swell slightly, further narrowing down the ability to take in air. This is called a Stridor; the wheezing Darth Vadar noise that you have heard me make. I am ok… just have to take my time and maybe sit a few minutes and let the swelling abate, then good as new! Exercising with me is a hoot and a half. Just ask my girls!

2. Grow with it.
Use this as a time to reflect on your own perceptions of people. When you are standing in line at the store and become irritated because “Surely no one here knows how hard it is just for me to stand!” think twice. Nearly 1 in 2 people in the USA have a chronic illness and about 96% of it is invisible, so the odds are that someone in line likely is experiencing the same walk in Faith and Healing that you are.

I have heard rude comments; “If she wasn’t overweight, she would be able to walk up stairs and still breathe.”  I just bless those people. They don’t know what they are talking about. It is easier to just forgive ignorance than to get offended, attack or dwell in it.

Also, what situations are your friends experiencing that you don’t understand? A child with a disability, the affair of a spouse, the loss of a job—all are life-altering and the odds are that your friends could use your prayer, empathy and support during this time. Perhaps you and your friends don’t understand what one of you is going through at all. Use this to your advantage–understanding that you need to give her a call and just listen.

3. Get over it.
Don’t obsess over the fact that no one knows what your daily life is like. It is so easy to do! We have those fleeting secret thoughts that ‘if they could live my life for just one day,’ but you need to get control over those thoughts and cast them down like 2 Corinthians 10:5 instructs. Don’t allow your resentment of this fact taint your relationships. And don’t take it personally, despite how personal it feels.

It is not your job to change someone’s mind. You only have control over your own behavior so make sure you can be proud of how you handle the conversations.

4. Get on with it.
Life is short and good friends and family are precious. Cut them all the slack that they need. Call them if you haven’t heard from them. Hunt them down on Facebook when all else fails!

To top off the ‘voice thang’ as my brother puts it, the past 2 years I have dealt with kidney stones galore and have had 6 operations/procedures due to them. (Read past posts if you are interested.) At my last appointment, I was told not to come back for 1 whole year! Praise Jesus! Can I get a witness???

This year, I was also able to give myself pneumonia twice :o)  Special gift I have due to the ‘voice thang’. If I have a sinus infection, I have the ability to aspirate it into my lungs while I sleep and am not controlling my neck muscles, causing bacterial pneumonia. I am just now getting over my second episode. Now you must admit, that takes talent!

Go with it. Grow with it. Get over it. Get on with it.

Is it possible to have relationships with people who don’t understand the seriousness of your illness? Yes. Accept them for what they are able to give, and know when to back off if the relationship becomes toxic. Have reasonable expectations and boundaries. In time, this may end up being one of your closest friendships and they may become one of your most outspoken advocates and cheerleaders.

 
 It has been 2 long years sitting on the sidelines for me. But I feel a change coming in the wind. 

So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  (The Message Version)

 

Selah~

Christine

A Muse of the Remnant